I have questioned whether or not to write this post for sometime now. When I started this blog one of the things that was most important to me was authenticity. I never wanted to act like that because of my faith everything about this journey was going to always end up picture perfect. The reality is from February 5, 2013 until now I have praised, questioned, cried, and been angry at God for allowing our family to go through this. For several months now I have experienced depression and anxiety about Hudson’s heart. Just to preface this discussion, Hudson is doing amazingly well. He is crawling and I’m pretty sure he will be walking very soon. He is the most happy, sweet-spirited baby I have ever seen. Quite honestly he couldn’t be doing any better. It might not make any sense to people why I would now have feelings of depression when my child has made it through some of the toughest moments and is now thriving. The truth is it doesn’t always make sense to me either. I wasn’t sure if I should write about this because it is personal and one of those things that people just don’t talk about, but why not be real instead of just trying to act like everything is always great. I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy, but instead trying to say that if you have ever felt like this it’s okay and you are not alone. Also friends of people that have had children with health problems or have lost loved ones need to understand that this journey changes you forever. I have watched my baby and countless other children go through struggles that no one should ever have to go through, but especially not children. I wish I could erase the images in my mind, but I can’t. I have watched my baby do so well, but I have also seen others struggle and not make it. I have witnessed friends mourn the loss of their precious angels.
I have the kind of personality where I get extremely
emotionally involved with people.
When other families have gone through these experiences, I imagine how I
would feel if it had been me because the reality is it could have just as
easily been us. To my
friends and others that know people in similar situations I would just ask that
you cut people some slack.
Everyone handles situations differently, but I don’t think you will ever
meet someone who has had a child with a severe health problem say that they are
not changed forever. I think I was
running on adrenaline for a long time and now that things have finally calmed
down I have actually been able to stop and reflect on the past months. One of the things that has given me a
true sense of peace is knowing that our struggles and time on Earth is just a
blink of the eye compared to our eternal life in Heaven. I am thankful that one day Hudson’s
heart will be whole and the memories of watching my precious baby struggle will
forever be erased. I am grateful
that God sent his son to be crucified so that we can spend eternity with our
Heavenly Father in a place where pain and suffering are no more. After having my own child, I think I
actually understand this sacrifice even more so than I ever did before. It is horrible to watch your child
suffer, but I am thankful that God loved us enough to send Jesus to suffer and
die a horrific death on Earth so that we can truly live.
Hudson's 7 month photo shoot (my big boy is now 9 months old!)
Brittain, I'm praying that you find beauty and healing in the midst of the difficulties. I think that moms in general "fake it" too often. You go to the store and you see all the other moms who really have it all together and on the inside you're feeling like you're going to fall apart...but, we fake it. We pretend that we're fine. We dress our baby cute and try to dress ourselves cute - and we truly do LOVE our babies. But, sometimes life - and all the nastiness that comes with living in a sin-ridden world just gets a hold of us. And, we care about how others perceive us - and honesty is lost. The situation of my first child's health was frustrating, but not as life-threatening as Hudson's. And, infertility itself is such a journey... No doubt, God is pouring blessings on us and we just don't get it...it just seems too hard, too unfair. I'm anxiously awaiting the day when we live with Him in perfection - and never have to worry about our kids again, and true, honest love abounds. I love your honesty about your journey.
ReplyDeleteLove you sweet friend. As I think of you and Hudson, I pray. Thank you for being transparent. As the aunt of a precious angel baby I too have experienced so many of the emotions you've described. I can only imagine what my brother and his wife are living with each day and it horrifies me. However, I have seen and been touched by miracles of God - both in your son's life and in the lives of friends and family who have heart warriors of their own. Your faithfullness is truly an inspiration. And we are being brought closer to God through your testimony. Thank you, friend.
ReplyDeleteI felt compelled to comment though I'm pretty sure I've never commented on anything before. I used to work with your husband and he's such a good man. There was no doubt his wife would be just as amazing. Tell your story. Tell it often. People need to know they're not alone and your story and your journey will give comfort to so many. #OneVoiceMatters #RememberKevin
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