It’s been three months. Three months since I’ve kissed his sweet face, three months
since I’ve held him, three months since I’ve run my hands through his precious
curly hair and three months since I’ve heard him say those heart-melting words
“I love you MomMom.” I miss him so
much and no amount of time will ever change that. It feels like an eternity since I have seen him even though
it really hasn’t been that long at all.
Just like anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one, I have good
moments and also moments of intense grief where it’s a struggle just to
breathe. In the midst of the good
and bad, I still feel hope and peace.
Through it all there is still that quiet voice I feel in my heart
telling me I love you and I will never leave you. I am God in life and I am still God in death.
After finding out Hudson’s diagnosis of HLHS, I remember the
devastation I felt and holding on to hope of a miracle. I prayed Hudson’s heart would be
physically healed before he was born.
When it wasn’t, I prayed for him to survive the Norwood surgery. After he made it through the Norwood I
started praying that he would live a long, healthy, and happy life. I think one of the reasons people have
such a difficult time accepting that Jesus is the Savior of the world is
because they can’t grasp how he could allow tragedy to occur. Also I think sometimes Christians give
up on their faith when they have remained faithful in belief and prayer, but
still feel like Jesus abandoned them.
At the very beginning of our journey before Hudson was even born, I
really struggled with the why’s of our situation. In my mind the very worst-case scenario was that Hudson
wouldn’t survive. Even about 6
months ago I was dealing with anxiety about Hudson’s heart and his long-term
prognosis. As I was discussing
this with a physician, I remember him saying that I had to accept the fact that
I would probably outlive my child.
I broke down and basically had a panic attack in the office because I
was so scared that he might be right and I didn’t feel like I could ever
survive something like that.
Looking back I realize that I was trying to deal with my greatest fear
by myself. Now that my worst fear
has actually come true, it’s crazy how much calmer and at peace I am with
everything. The reason for this is
because Jesus is giving me his peace and comfort. You see it is a lie that if you pray hard enough or if you
live a moral life that everything will be fine. Jesus does still save us and heal every part of our lives,
but that isn’t promised here on Earth.
His promise for us is in Heaven.
I wish Hudson’s heart had been healed here on Earth, but I know that he
is healed in Heaven. God is God in
life and he is God in death.
Unfortunately we do live in a broken world and the ways of this world
are not his ways, but Jesus is still here loving, holding, and carrying us
through the brokenness.
There is so much freedom in God’s promise of Heaven through
a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The days here on Earth without Hudson are very difficult,
but I believe God’s word. I am finding
my hope at the cross, the place where God allowed his son to die to save
humanity. Even at the cross God
could have stopped the tragedy of his son dying, but instead because of his
great love he choose to give his life so that we could have eternal life. We don’t always understand why things
happen the way that they do, but I believe that good can come out of the most
tragic of situations. I miss
Hudson so much, but I know that I will see my precious son again and that this
life is not the end. Jesus is
holding my head up when I don’t have the strength to, and he is reminding me who
he is and who I am. He is my
Savior and I am his child. He is
the God in life and death. He is the
ultimate healer and has made Hudson whole and perfect. Don’t let religion, politics, and
hypocrisy of people take away from who you believe God is and the most
important relationship you could ever have. I believe Jesus is relentlessly pursuing us all and that he
wants to know us personally. Jesus
loves you more in a moment than anyone could in a lifetime.
God’s Truths:
Revelation 21:4 – And God will wipe away every tear from
their eyes, there shall be no more death nor sorrow nor crying for the former
things have passed away.
Isaiah 43:2 – When you go through deep waters I will be with
you and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep you over.
Titus 3:5 – He saved us not because of righteous things we
have done but because of his mercy.
He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the
Holy Spirit.
Psalm 145:9 – The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on
all he has made
Isaiah 49:15-16 – I will not forget you. I have written your name on the palms
of my hands.
Romans 8:18 – Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to
the glory he will reveal to us later.
John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
