Finding Hope In The Midst Of Grief

It’s been three months.  Three months since I’ve kissed his sweet face, three months since I’ve held him, three months since I’ve run my hands through his precious curly hair and three months since I’ve heard him say those heart-melting words “I love you MomMom.”  I miss him so much and no amount of time will ever change that.  It feels like an eternity since I have seen him even though it really hasn’t been that long at all.  Just like anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one, I have good moments and also moments of intense grief where it’s a struggle just to breathe.  In the midst of the good and bad, I still feel hope and peace.  Through it all there is still that quiet voice I feel in my heart telling me I love you and I will never leave you.  I am God in life and I am still God in death.

After finding out Hudson’s diagnosis of HLHS, I remember the devastation I felt and holding on to hope of a miracle.  I prayed Hudson’s heart would be physically healed before he was born.  When it wasn’t, I prayed for him to survive the Norwood surgery.  After he made it through the Norwood I started praying that he would live a long, healthy, and happy life.  I think one of the reasons people have such a difficult time accepting that Jesus is the Savior of the world is because they can’t grasp how he could allow tragedy to occur.  Also I think sometimes Christians give up on their faith when they have remained faithful in belief and prayer, but still feel like Jesus abandoned them.  At the very beginning of our journey before Hudson was even born, I really struggled with the why’s of our situation.  In my mind the very worst-case scenario was that Hudson wouldn’t survive.  Even about 6 months ago I was dealing with anxiety about Hudson’s heart and his long-term prognosis.  As I was discussing this with a physician, I remember him saying that I had to accept the fact that I would probably outlive my child.  I broke down and basically had a panic attack in the office because I was so scared that he might be right and I didn’t feel like I could ever survive something like that.  Looking back I realize that I was trying to deal with my greatest fear by myself.  Now that my worst fear has actually come true, it’s crazy how much calmer and at peace I am with everything.  The reason for this is because Jesus is giving me his peace and comfort.  You see it is a lie that if you pray hard enough or if you live a moral life that everything will be fine.  Jesus does still save us and heal every part of our lives, but that isn’t promised here on Earth.  His promise for us is in Heaven.  I wish Hudson’s heart had been healed here on Earth, but I know that he is healed in Heaven.  God is God in life and he is God in death.  Unfortunately we do live in a broken world and the ways of this world are not his ways, but Jesus is still here loving, holding, and carrying us through the brokenness.

There is so much freedom in God’s promise of Heaven through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  The days here on Earth without Hudson are very difficult, but I believe God’s word.  I am finding my hope at the cross, the place where God allowed his son to die to save humanity.  Even at the cross God could have stopped the tragedy of his son dying, but instead because of his great love he choose to give his life so that we could have eternal life.  We don’t always understand why things happen the way that they do, but I believe that good can come out of the most tragic of situations.  I miss Hudson so much, but I know that I will see my precious son again and that this life is not the end.  Jesus is holding my head up when I don’t have the strength to, and he is reminding me who he is and who I am.  He is my Savior and I am his child.  He is the God in life and death.  He is the ultimate healer and has made Hudson whole and perfect.  Don’t let religion, politics, and hypocrisy of people take away from who you believe God is and the most important relationship you could ever have.  I believe Jesus is relentlessly pursuing us all and that he wants to know us personally.  Jesus loves you more in a moment than anyone could in a lifetime.

God’s Truths:

Revelation 21:4 – And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death nor sorrow nor crying for the former things have passed away.

Isaiah 43:2 – When you go through deep waters I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep you over.

Titus 3:5 – He saved us not because of righteous things we have done but because of his mercy.  He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit.

Psalm 145:9 – The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made

Isaiah 49:15-16 – I will not forget you.  I have written your name on the palms of my hands.

Romans 8:18 – Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.