What Grief Looks Like Two Years Later

Every person’s journey through grief is unique.  Two years after losing my sweet baby boy Hudson this is where I am in my grief.  Gone are those days where it physically hurt to breathe and I literally could not remember what I was doing from one moment to the next.  The cloud of shock and disbelief have lifted, but what remains is an intense sadness and heart that is still broken from missing Hudson more than words can describe.  After his death, I remember the grief counselor telling us that it does get better.  At this point I can say some things are better, and others are not.  A piece of me died that day too and I know that I am forever changed.  I’ve become much more introverted and I feel like I am living a life that very few can understand.  Grief can be extremely isolating and it’s easy to want to pull away from everyone.

There is some beauty that comes from grief as well.  I have never felt more loved from Jesus than I did in the days and months following Hudson’s death.  He carried me through the darkest days of my life when I wasn't even sure I would be able to live through this heartbreak.  Jesus and his promise of eternity are what get me through even today.  I am also so thankful for the support from our friends and family.  I have some pretty amazing friends that continue to reach out to me over and over again even though many times their messages and calls go unanswered.  They love me in spite of the fact that I’m really not much of a good friend these days because sometimes I’m just trying to survive my new reality.  Our family are so incredible at letting us know how much they continue to think about Hudson and keep his sweet memory alive.  We have people that we have never even met that have prayed for us and for our son.  People continue to participate in Hudson’s Day of Kindness, which is coming up on his birthday, June 25th to honor his memory and bring some kindness to a very broken world.  Even though life has dealt us a devastating hand, I know that beauty can come from ashes.

I take solace in knowing that Hudson is in Heaven, he is happy and his heart is healed forever and one day we will be reunited for eternity.   Jesus healed Hudson’s heart and I believe that he is working to heal mine.  He is picking up all of the broken pieces and mending them together to make something new.  Living on Earth without my child is unbelievably difficult, but I am putting my trust in Jesus even when I don’t understand this life.  He is still good and he is still the King of the world.  Lord, I trust you and I know you see my hurting heart even when I feel alone.  You love me and you love Hudson, and not even death can separate us from your everlasting love.

John 14: 2-3 “My Father’s house has many rooms; if this were not true, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”