Finding Hope In The Midst Of Grief

It’s been three months.  Three months since I’ve kissed his sweet face, three months since I’ve held him, three months since I’ve run my hands through his precious curly hair and three months since I’ve heard him say those heart-melting words “I love you MomMom.”  I miss him so much and no amount of time will ever change that.  It feels like an eternity since I have seen him even though it really hasn’t been that long at all.  Just like anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one, I have good moments and also moments of intense grief where it’s a struggle just to breathe.  In the midst of the good and bad, I still feel hope and peace.  Through it all there is still that quiet voice I feel in my heart telling me I love you and I will never leave you.  I am God in life and I am still God in death.

After finding out Hudson’s diagnosis of HLHS, I remember the devastation I felt and holding on to hope of a miracle.  I prayed Hudson’s heart would be physically healed before he was born.  When it wasn’t, I prayed for him to survive the Norwood surgery.  After he made it through the Norwood I started praying that he would live a long, healthy, and happy life.  I think one of the reasons people have such a difficult time accepting that Jesus is the Savior of the world is because they can’t grasp how he could allow tragedy to occur.  Also I think sometimes Christians give up on their faith when they have remained faithful in belief and prayer, but still feel like Jesus abandoned them.  At the very beginning of our journey before Hudson was even born, I really struggled with the why’s of our situation.  In my mind the very worst-case scenario was that Hudson wouldn’t survive.  Even about 6 months ago I was dealing with anxiety about Hudson’s heart and his long-term prognosis.  As I was discussing this with a physician, I remember him saying that I had to accept the fact that I would probably outlive my child.  I broke down and basically had a panic attack in the office because I was so scared that he might be right and I didn’t feel like I could ever survive something like that.  Looking back I realize that I was trying to deal with my greatest fear by myself.  Now that my worst fear has actually come true, it’s crazy how much calmer and at peace I am with everything.  The reason for this is because Jesus is giving me his peace and comfort.  You see it is a lie that if you pray hard enough or if you live a moral life that everything will be fine.  Jesus does still save us and heal every part of our lives, but that isn’t promised here on Earth.  His promise for us is in Heaven.  I wish Hudson’s heart had been healed here on Earth, but I know that he is healed in Heaven.  God is God in life and he is God in death.  Unfortunately we do live in a broken world and the ways of this world are not his ways, but Jesus is still here loving, holding, and carrying us through the brokenness.

There is so much freedom in God’s promise of Heaven through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  The days here on Earth without Hudson are very difficult, but I believe God’s word.  I am finding my hope at the cross, the place where God allowed his son to die to save humanity.  Even at the cross God could have stopped the tragedy of his son dying, but instead because of his great love he choose to give his life so that we could have eternal life.  We don’t always understand why things happen the way that they do, but I believe that good can come out of the most tragic of situations.  I miss Hudson so much, but I know that I will see my precious son again and that this life is not the end.  Jesus is holding my head up when I don’t have the strength to, and he is reminding me who he is and who I am.  He is my Savior and I am his child.  He is the God in life and death.  He is the ultimate healer and has made Hudson whole and perfect.  Don’t let religion, politics, and hypocrisy of people take away from who you believe God is and the most important relationship you could ever have.  I believe Jesus is relentlessly pursuing us all and that he wants to know us personally.  Jesus loves you more in a moment than anyone could in a lifetime.

God’s Truths:

Revelation 21:4 – And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death nor sorrow nor crying for the former things have passed away.

Isaiah 43:2 – When you go through deep waters I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep you over.

Titus 3:5 – He saved us not because of righteous things we have done but because of his mercy.  He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit.

Psalm 145:9 – The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made

Isaiah 49:15-16 – I will not forget you.  I have written your name on the palms of my hands.

Romans 8:18 – Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.

John 3:16 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

I Hope You Dance

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in Hudson’s Day of Kindness on June 25^th.  The response was overwhelming and so inspiring to me, and I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate Hudson’s birthday in Heaven.  I can just see him laughing and dancing and enjoying all of the incredible kindness that was spread in his honor that day.  We are making this an annual tradition and would love to have everyone be a part of it in the years to come.

Hudson was a child filled with joy.  He loved life and made the best out of every situation.  One of Hudson’s favorite things to do was dance.  Anytime he heard music he would start dancing, whether we were at home or out in public.  One day at the zoo we were walking along the sidewalk to go see some of the animals, and all of a sudden he just stopped and started dancing to the music that was playing in the background.  The zoo was packed and people were passing us on both sides, but I didn’t stop him or try to get him to move over.  I loved that he was truly living in the moment.  He taught me a very valuable lesson at the zoo that day.  Don’t worry about what everyone else is thinking, and don’t let fear stop you from enjoying life.  Dance, love, laugh, be silly and cherish the small moments.  When it’s all over the little things are what you will miss the most.

At Hudson’s memorial service, our pastor surprised us with an impromptu dance session.  It was perfect and just what Hudson would have wanted.  Everyone there learned Hudson’s three signature dance moves and we danced together for him.  I wanted to share a video I took several months ago on my cell phone of Hudson dancing.  It makes me smile every time I watch it and reminds me to stop and recognize the beautiful small moments that make up life.

I hope you dance.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4mfAlWPs28TT1RxdGZsSnZyTTA/view?usp=sharing

Happy 2nd Birthday Hudson

If this is your first time to visit our blog thank you for taking time to check it out.  I started this blog when I was pregnant with our first and only child.  We found out at 20 weeks that our son Hudson would be born with a complex congenital heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS), which meant he would be born with only half of a functioning heart.  The truth is we never knew if we would ever bring our baby home or if he would survive the first of the 3 operations that were required to give him a chance at life.  There were some very close calls early on, but Hudson did survive.  In fact he just didn’t survive, Hudson thrived.

Hudson was a miracle from the very beginning.  This beautiful child with half of a heart changed my life forever and the lives of so many others.  Hudson was so full of joy.  He really loved life and made the most of every moment.  Unless you saw the scar that ran down the front of his chest, you would never have known that anything was wrong.  Hudson was full of energy and he loved to dance, sing, and play all the time.

A few weeks ago my life changed forever.  My precious baby boy passed away unexpectedly in the arms of his earthly father and went straight into the arms of his heavenly father.  We miss Hudson every moment, but this life is not the end.  We will be reunited again with our son in Heaven.  Today is Hudson’s 2^nd birthday.  We wanted to do something special to honor him and we thought starting an annual tradition of Hudson’s Day of Kindness would make our sweet boy proud.

I hope if you received a card today and someone was kind to you that you would consider passing it on.  I also hope you know that you are loved by a Savior that died on a cross so that he could have a relationship with you.  We hope that Hudson’s legacy will be one of remembering what’s important both in this life and our eternal life.  We know that Hudson is celebrating his 2^nd birthday this year with Jesus.  While we wish Hudson was here with us, we know that his heart has been healed and he is with the only one that loves him more than we can. 

Happy 2^nd birthday my precious son.  

I love you forever and can’t wait until I can hold you in my arms again!

Link to Hudson's Day of Kindness Cards:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4mfAlWPs28TS1FOU19yVS1LTFU/view?usp=sharing


Photo Credit: HMP Studios

Hudson's Day of Kindness

On Wednesday, June 3^rd we had the most beautiful memorial service to honor the incredible life of our precious son Hudson.  Hudson spent 23 months and 5 days on this Earth before going to his eternal home in Heaven.  On June 25^th, Hudson would have been 2 years old.  We want to start an annual tradition of a day to remember Hudson with random acts of kindness to celebrate his birthday.  We are asking anyone, anywhere to join with us in keeping Hudson’s legacy alive.  I have attached a PDF with Hudson’s Day of Kindness cards front and back so that anyone can print them out.  There are 4 cards to a page and the back of the cards is in the link as a second page but you can just turn the paper around in the printer to print the back.  Please feel free to pass out as many as you would like on June 25^th while performing random acts of kindness.  Thank you in advance for helping us celebrate our sweet son’s birthday while being kind to others.

If anyone is interested in making a donation to help fund life-saving research for other children born with congenital heart defects (CHDs), you can make a donation to Children’s Hospital of Alabama in memory of Hudson Simmons.  If you specify Hudson's name, 100% of the proceeds will go to CHD research.  Donations can be made online at childrensal.org or by mail to the following address: 

Attn: Peggy Darby

Children's of Alabama Foundation

1600 7th Ave South

Birmingham, AL  35233

Link to Hudson's Day of Kindness Cards:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4mfAlWPs28TS1FOU19yVS1LTFU/view?usp=sharing

There's No Place Like Home

On Saturday morning Hudson went to his eternal home in Heaven.  It was as much of a shock to us as to everyone else.  He had been a little under the weather with a minor ear infection, but nothing serious.  In fact Hudson has been doing great for quite a while now.  His last cardiologist appointment in February couldn't have gone any better and we had seen our pediatrician this past week.  

Hudson passed away instantaneously in the arms of his daddy most likely from a cardiac arrhythmia. He didn't suffer and left this world in the arms of his Earthly father and then went straight into the arms of his Heavenly father.  We are devastated of course and feel like our hearts are broken in a way that will never be healed until we see him again.  We are taking this journey one step at a time and find great peace in knowing he is in Heaven with a perfect heart and that we will see him again.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."    Psalm 73:26

We would love to have anyone join us for a service to remember Hudson's beautiful life.

Memorial Service:

Wednesday June 3, 2015 @ 1:00 PM

Church of the Highlands Chapel

5901 Overton Road Birmingham, AL  35210

Believe In Miracles

As another season is coming to a close, I have so much to share about the past several months of our lives.  The first and most exciting thing to report is that we celebrated Hudson’s 1^st birthday at the end of June with the birthday theme Love You To The Moon And Back.  It was such an incredible joyous celebration not just about a 1^st birthday, but also of life and miracles.  I can’t even describe how special this moment was for both my husband and myself.  Before Hudson was born I prayed for this moment.  I wondered if we would ever see that day, and to have an opportunity to gather with family and friends and watch our sweet baby boy laughing, playing, and smashing his birthday cake was more than I could have ever hoped for.  Thank you Lord for performing wonders that cannot be fathomed and miracles that cannot be counted (Job 5:9).  It is truly amazing to see how far Hudson has come in the past year.

What a difference a year makes!

Hudson also had his first real vacation at the beach in July.  He loves playing in the sand and water, and was extremely fascinated with the sand crabs and fish that we saw.  He was not however a fan of the drive down (not that I can blame him).  We had a fantastic time and can’t wait to go back.

We have had the longest stretch of time between cardiologist visits, which is a great thing.  We will be going back this Thursday for a check-up, but it has been 4 months since our last appointment.  Hudson will still need a 3^rd open-heart surgery and tentatively that is being planned for sometime after his 2^nd birthday as long as things continue the way that they have been.  We are scheduled for a minor, non-heart related procedure this October with hopefully just an overnight hospital stay.  Otherwise things really could not be going much better.  Hudson has also rocked all of his developmental milestones.  We were warned that he could potentially have serious delays in both physical and mental developmental milestones due to his heart defect, but Hudson has exceeded everyone’s expectations.  He began walking at 10 months and now cannot be stopped :) He is so smart and just blows me away daily.  I’m so proud of him and proud that I was given the opportunity to be his mother.  Hudson continues to inspire me and show me how precious life is.

Hudson you are loved to the moon and back!

Weeping May Endure for a Night, but Joy Comes in the Morning

I have questioned whether or not to write this post for sometime now.  When I started this blog one of the things that was most important to me was authenticity.  I never wanted to act like that because of my faith everything about this journey was going to always end up picture perfect.  The reality is from February 5, 2013 until now I have praised, questioned, cried, and been angry at God for allowing our family to go through this.  For several months now I have experienced depression and anxiety about Hudson’s heart.  Just to preface this discussion, Hudson is doing amazingly well.  He is crawling and I’m pretty sure he will be walking very soon.  He is the most happy, sweet-spirited baby I have ever seen.  Quite honestly he couldn’t be doing any better.  It might not make any sense to people why I would now have feelings of depression when my child has made it through some of the toughest moments and is now thriving.  The truth is it doesn’t always make sense to me either.  I wasn’t sure if I should write about this because it is personal and one of those things that people just don’t talk about, but why not be real instead of just trying to act like everything is always great.  I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy, but instead trying to say that if you have ever felt like this it’s okay and you are not alone.  Also friends of people that have had children with health problems or have lost loved ones need to understand that this journey changes you forever.  I have watched my baby and countless other children go through struggles that no one should ever have to go through, but especially not children.  I wish I could erase the images in my mind, but I can’t.  I have watched my baby do so well, but I have also seen others struggle and not make it.  I have witnessed friends mourn the loss of their precious angels. 

I have the kind of personality where I get extremely emotionally involved with people.  When other families have gone through these experiences, I imagine how I would feel if it had been me because the reality is it could have just as easily been us.  To my friends and others that know people in similar situations I would just ask that you cut people some slack.  Everyone handles situations differently, but I don’t think you will ever meet someone who has had a child with a severe health problem say that they are not changed forever.  I think I was running on adrenaline for a long time and now that things have finally calmed down I have actually been able to stop and reflect on the past months.  One of the things that has given me a true sense of peace is knowing that our struggles and time on Earth is just a blink of the eye compared to our eternal life in Heaven.  I am thankful that one day Hudson’s heart will be whole and the memories of watching my precious baby struggle will forever be erased.  I am grateful that God sent his son to be crucified so that we can spend eternity with our Heavenly Father in a place where pain and suffering are no more.  After having my own child, I think I actually understand this sacrifice even more so than I ever did before.  It is horrible to watch your child suffer, but I am thankful that God loved us enough to send Jesus to suffer and die a horrific death on Earth so that we can truly live.

Hudson's 7 month photo shoot (my big boy is now 9 months old!)